We yearn for it when we don't get it. And when we finally get it, we wish things were more settled. Life's full of contradictions. But isn't that what makes it more challenging?
I'm enjoying this though- not having time or the way I see it- not having the time to waste. I have never pre-planned so much. For the last one month, I have been extremely busy; work appointments, pending commitments, excerising, meeting friends, organising parties, spending time with family, extended family and family friends, going out of town and planning each weekend in advance and also getting the time to sit at the edge of the moutain looking at the clouds with chilled beer in my hand. I'm happy I don't have to think 'damn what do I do with so much free time'. At least for now I'm enjoying this.
Last days are always a little difficult though. You got to think you are moving on to better things and not about the people you are leaving behind. They will move on too. You got to take the whole picture in- let it sink in. My drawer, my PC, my display board, my calender, my chair etc. It happened the last time and it happened again. It's a sweet feeling. I know I will smile when I look back.
Yes, I am excited about tommorow but I'm more excited about today. For today is always a moment of transition. If you live in today, you will always be in transit. At least it's better than living in a frozen image or a farfetched fantasy. At least what I have now is real; something I can feel for real. And yet it's surreal. Everything. Everything that has ever happened to me seems surreal when I come to think of it. Probably because there were some things I always knew will happen to me, that I had seen in my mind even before they transformed into the real world. And when they did, they were almost like a dream. And then there were parts that were formed out of eventuality.
All I know is, I am uncomfortable around comfort. And restless around complacency. When unchallenged I can wither away.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Probably
She sat there cross-legged, dropping her head on his shoulder from time to time. Then gathering herself. She could smell him and she tried guessing what he smelled like. 'Wet wood? Mint? Berries?' she thought. Probably it was all in her mind.
He put his arm around her, trying to steady her. She was high. She felt his breath on her forehead. He was too close. She wanted to move away. If she didn't, she might regret it for the rest of her life. He sensed her hesitancy and moved back. He suddenly stood up and walked away. She could finally breath normally. Suddenly all the loud music was back in focus. The DJ was playing 'I just died in your arms tonight.' She mulled over the words, over what she was feeling. It had felt nice to have his arm around her. He had been there for her. But the thought of feeling him so close to her, hadn't occured to her before. They had their share of moments though. Like the night when he came over to her apartment for the party. He sat across the room and sent her an sms saying she was looking kind of cute. And when they cooked the Sunday lunch together, he had held her hand to pull the knife out of her hand. There had been an elongated pause. Also, she had held him close the last time they went dancing together.
Her chain of thoughts broke and she got up to look for him. He was standing in the lobby, talking to someone on the phone. She thought of pretending to call someone too but he turned. A tiny tear rolled down her cheek. He saw it and hugged her.
The hug was longer than it should have been. "I know you are still hurting. But I want to tell you, you are an amazing girl and deserve much better," he whispered in her ear. Someone entered the lobby and she pushed him away and said, "Thanks. Let's go." He took a step forward and kissed her. She gave in. She didn't know if that was the right thing to do, but she felt something she couldn't explain. Probably, it was just good for her ego. The next few times she went out with her friends it was difficult to resist him but she would try. Sometimes she gave in...perhaps whenever she needed to feel better about herself.
He put his arm around her, trying to steady her. She was high. She felt his breath on her forehead. He was too close. She wanted to move away. If she didn't, she might regret it for the rest of her life. He sensed her hesitancy and moved back. He suddenly stood up and walked away. She could finally breath normally. Suddenly all the loud music was back in focus. The DJ was playing 'I just died in your arms tonight.' She mulled over the words, over what she was feeling. It had felt nice to have his arm around her. He had been there for her. But the thought of feeling him so close to her, hadn't occured to her before. They had their share of moments though. Like the night when he came over to her apartment for the party. He sat across the room and sent her an sms saying she was looking kind of cute. And when they cooked the Sunday lunch together, he had held her hand to pull the knife out of her hand. There had been an elongated pause. Also, she had held him close the last time they went dancing together.
Her chain of thoughts broke and she got up to look for him. He was standing in the lobby, talking to someone on the phone. She thought of pretending to call someone too but he turned. A tiny tear rolled down her cheek. He saw it and hugged her.
The hug was longer than it should have been. "I know you are still hurting. But I want to tell you, you are an amazing girl and deserve much better," he whispered in her ear. Someone entered the lobby and she pushed him away and said, "Thanks. Let's go." He took a step forward and kissed her. She gave in. She didn't know if that was the right thing to do, but she felt something she couldn't explain. Probably, it was just good for her ego. The next few times she went out with her friends it was difficult to resist him but she would try. Sometimes she gave in...perhaps whenever she needed to feel better about herself.
Technicolor
I guess life becomes easier if you look at it in black and white. Confusions reduce, emotions become more defined and we can make a judgement. Probably that's exactly what I can't do! that's why I end up getting confused, find myself not judging people or end up feeling mixed emotions. I would not say that this happens because I can see the grey areas. I think I can see various colours!
Life is made of so many colours and I feel like exploring them, understanding them and recognising them through people and relationships. What is life without an odd relationship? A wrong decision? An act to regret? A conversation on the tabooed subjects? These are things that add so much hue to our life and make it so colourful. There are more colours in this world, in our life and people than we probably have imagined.
There are some things that are wrong at the surface but there is a certain challenge and a certain amount of empathy involved when you try to understand what went beyond the very act that seems or probably just is wrong. It's an education in itself. I am not saying that one can justify their acts by saying 'hey I went through so much and so I decided to do the wrong thing'. I just feel that we should look at life with different colours and make it rich with experience. And I believe that with experience we do begin to discover more and more colours. Look at life the technicolor way! I love my Rangeela philosophy!
Life is made of so many colours and I feel like exploring them, understanding them and recognising them through people and relationships. What is life without an odd relationship? A wrong decision? An act to regret? A conversation on the tabooed subjects? These are things that add so much hue to our life and make it so colourful. There are more colours in this world, in our life and people than we probably have imagined.
There are some things that are wrong at the surface but there is a certain challenge and a certain amount of empathy involved when you try to understand what went beyond the very act that seems or probably just is wrong. It's an education in itself. I am not saying that one can justify their acts by saying 'hey I went through so much and so I decided to do the wrong thing'. I just feel that we should look at life with different colours and make it rich with experience. And I believe that with experience we do begin to discover more and more colours. Look at life the technicolor way! I love my Rangeela philosophy!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Zahir
Something that once touched or seen, can never be forgotten, and something that gradually so fills our thoughts that we are driven to madness.
What is that something in my life? There must be something or someone that stays with me, within me. Probably, I need to know that.
Zahir has several meanings. But what is my Zahir? Someone I'm looking for. Am I seraching because I feel it will complete me. But then, am I not complete in myself? But apart from that, there's so much I'm searching. What am I looking for? Must be something that I'm secretly working towards. Unknowingly. Something that's leading me into this specific journey. I want more every day. More of all that can make me happy. I'm asking from the universe becasue I deserve it. Love.
What is that something in my life? There must be something or someone that stays with me, within me. Probably, I need to know that.
Zahir has several meanings. But what is my Zahir? Someone I'm looking for. Am I seraching because I feel it will complete me. But then, am I not complete in myself? But apart from that, there's so much I'm searching. What am I looking for? Must be something that I'm secretly working towards. Unknowingly. Something that's leading me into this specific journey. I want more every day. More of all that can make me happy. I'm asking from the universe becasue I deserve it. Love.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
The blinds are down
In the dim yellow light
with a sunshine drink in your glass,
you search my face.
The blinds are down.
And a burning intensity
floats in this tiny place.
I spot the shadows on your forehead,
trying to find the missing piece in the puzzle.
But you just don’t give away.
You almost forget your words
in an air of awkwardness.
And you smile all the way.
You half-hear things,
half-say things.
And your eyes turn all shy.
I can sense you don’t want to leave.
But you do.
Almost forgetting to say good bye.
with a sunshine drink in your glass,
you search my face.
The blinds are down.
And a burning intensity
floats in this tiny place.
I spot the shadows on your forehead,
trying to find the missing piece in the puzzle.
But you just don’t give away.
You almost forget your words
in an air of awkwardness.
And you smile all the way.
You half-hear things,
half-say things.
And your eyes turn all shy.
I can sense you don’t want to leave.
But you do.
Almost forgetting to say good bye.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Aashayein
Just got a glimpse of Nagesh Kukunoor's Aashayein and it at once reminded me of Iqbal and its hit song Aashayein. Yes, this film is reminiscent of Iqbal but there is certain freshness about it. A certain sincerity and warmth. John's looking refreshingly cute and sincere. It could turn out to be his best performance to date. I agree he is not the best actor we have but he definitely has become the commercial face for the not-so-commercial directors and their off-beat themes.
Promo: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UCq9h4QC1wA
Promo: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UCq9h4QC1wA
Thursday, May 01, 2008
random thoughts
Come slow
come steady
come only when you think you're ready;
ready for love, ready to give,
ready to lose yourself to me.
It's more hurtful when the other person moves on, is happy and genuinely in love! Once you stop deluding yourself that the person still loves you, or that your love was the purest thing in the world or that life has been unfair, you'll get over it.
Love, pain and life always endure but there's always something more to experience. Something more to explore with the renewed enthusiasm and with that experience you have gained from your hurts and your past.
Complicated or simple? Eccentric or just curious? Steady or uncertain? Love or hate? I want to figure you out. Really, how difficult can it be?
Yes. I like the idea of endless possibilities. When something turns reality, something else becomes a possibility.
What’s the curiousity about the world? About things unseen and unknown? Does it come from knowing too much or thinking too much? From insatiable thirst for newer horizons? When I explore places, do I learn more about myself? And what do I want to learn about myself that I don’t already know? Guess, I need to travel.
come steady
come only when you think you're ready;
ready for love, ready to give,
ready to lose yourself to me.
It's more hurtful when the other person moves on, is happy and genuinely in love! Once you stop deluding yourself that the person still loves you, or that your love was the purest thing in the world or that life has been unfair, you'll get over it.
Love, pain and life always endure but there's always something more to experience. Something more to explore with the renewed enthusiasm and with that experience you have gained from your hurts and your past.
Complicated or simple? Eccentric or just curious? Steady or uncertain? Love or hate? I want to figure you out. Really, how difficult can it be?
Yes. I like the idea of endless possibilities. When something turns reality, something else becomes a possibility.
What’s the curiousity about the world? About things unseen and unknown? Does it come from knowing too much or thinking too much? From insatiable thirst for newer horizons? When I explore places, do I learn more about myself? And what do I want to learn about myself that I don’t already know? Guess, I need to travel.
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