Change

We yearn for it when we don't get it. And when we finally get it, we wish things were more settled. Life's full of contradictions. But isn't that what makes it more challenging?

I'm enjoying this though- not having time or the way I see it- not having the time to waste. I have never pre-planned so much. For the last one month, I have been extremely busy; work appointments, pending commitments, excerising, meeting friends, organising parties, spending time with family, extended family and family friends, going out of town and planning each weekend in advance and also getting the time to sit at the edge of the moutain looking at the clouds with chilled beer in my hand. I'm happy I don't have to think 'damn what do I do with so much free time'. At least for now I'm enjoying this.

Last days are always a little difficult though. You got to think you are moving on to better things and not about the people you are leaving behind. They will move on too. You got to take the whole picture in- let it sink in. My drawer, my PC, my display board, my calender, my chair etc. It happened the last time and it happened again. It's a sweet feeling. I know I will smile when I look back.

Yes, I am excited about tommorow but I'm more excited about today. For today is always a moment of transition. If you live in today, you will always be in transit. At least it's better than living in a frozen image or a farfetched fantasy. At least what I have now is real; something I can feel for real. And yet it's surreal. Everything. Everything that has ever happened to me seems surreal when I come to think of it. Probably because there were some things I always knew will happen to me, that I had seen in my mind even before they transformed into the real world. And when they did, they were almost like a dream. And then there were parts that were formed out of eventuality.

All I know is, I am uncomfortable around comfort. And restless around complacency. When unchallenged I can wither away.

Probably

She sat there cross-legged, dropping her head on his shoulder from time to time. Then gathering herself. She could smell him and she tried guessing what he smelled like. 'Wet wood? Mint? Berries?' she thought. Probably it was all in her mind.

He put his arm around her, trying to steady her. She was high. She felt his breath on her forehead. He was too close. She wanted to move away. If she didn't, she might regret it for the rest of her life. He sensed her hesitancy and moved back. He suddenly stood up and walked away. She could finally breath normally. Suddenly all the loud music was back in focus. The DJ was playing 'I just died in your arms tonight.' She mulled over the words, over what she was feeling. It had felt nice to have his arm around her. He had been there for her. But the thought of feeling him so close to her, hadn't occured to her before. They had their share of moments though. Like the night when he came over to her apartment for the party. He sat across the room and sent her an sms saying she was looking kind of cute. And when they cooked the Sunday lunch together, he had held her hand to pull the knife out of her hand. There had been an elongated pause. Also, she had held him close the last time they went dancing together.

Her chain of thoughts broke and she got up to look for him. He was standing in the lobby, talking to someone on the phone. She thought of pretending to call someone too but he turned. A tiny tear rolled down her cheek. He saw it and hugged her.

The hug was longer than it should have been. "I know you are still hurting. But I want to tell you, you are an amazing girl and deserve much better," he whispered in her ear. Someone entered the lobby and she pushed him away and said, "Thanks. Let's go." He took a step forward and kissed her. She gave in. She didn't know if that was the right thing to do, but she felt something she couldn't explain. Probably, it was just good for her ego. The next few times she went out with her friends it was difficult to resist him but she would try. Sometimes she gave in...perhaps whenever she needed to feel better about herself.

Technicolor

I guess life becomes easier if you look at it in black and white. Confusions reduce, emotions become more defined and we can make a judgement. Probably that's exactly what I can't do! that's why I end up getting confused, find myself not judging people or end up feeling mixed emotions. I would not say that this happens because I can see the grey areas. I think I can see various colours!

Life is made of so many colours and I feel like exploring them, understanding them and recognising them through people and relationships. What is life without an odd relationship? A wrong decision? An act to regret? A conversation on the tabooed subjects? These are things that add so much hue to our life and make it so colourful. There are more colours in this world, in our life and people than we probably have imagined.

There are some things that are wrong at the surface but there is a certain challenge and a certain amount of empathy involved when you try to understand what went beyond the very act that seems or probably just is wrong. It's an education in itself. I am not saying that one can justify their acts by saying 'hey I went through so much and so I decided to do the wrong thing'. I just feel that we should look at life with different colours and make it rich with experience. And I believe that with experience we do begin to discover more and more colours. Look at life the technicolor way! I love my Rangeela philosophy!

Zahir

Something that once touched or seen, can never be forgotten, and something that gradually so fills our thoughts that we are driven to madness.
What is that something in my life? There must be something or someone that stays with me, within me. Probably, I need to know that.
Zahir has several meanings. But what is my Zahir? Someone I'm looking for. Am I seraching because I feel it will complete me. But then, am I not complete in myself? But apart from that, there's so much I'm searching. What am I looking for? Must be something that I'm secretly working towards. Unknowingly. Something that's leading me into this specific journey. I want more every day. More of all that can make me happy. I'm asking from the universe becasue I deserve it. Love.

The blinds are down

In the dim yellow light
with a sunshine drink in your glass,
you search my face.
The blinds are down.
And a burning intensity
floats in this tiny place.

I spot the shadows on your forehead,
trying to find the missing piece in the puzzle.
But you just don’t give away.
You almost forget your words
in an air of awkwardness.
And you smile all the way.

You half-hear things,
half-say things.
And your eyes turn all shy.
I can sense you don’t want to leave.
But you do.
Almost forgetting to say good bye.

Aashayein

Just got a glimpse of Nagesh Kukunoor's Aashayein and it at once reminded me of Iqbal and its hit song Aashayein. Yes, this film is reminiscent of Iqbal but there is certain freshness about it. A certain sincerity and warmth. John's looking refreshingly cute and sincere. It could turn out to be his best performance to date. I agree he is not the best actor we have but he definitely has become the commercial face for the not-so-commercial directors and their off-beat themes.

Promo: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UCq9h4QC1wA

random thoughts

Come slow
come steady
come only when you think you're ready;
ready for love, ready to give,
ready to lose yourself to me.


It's more hurtful when the other person moves on, is happy and genuinely in love! Once you stop deluding yourself that the person still loves you, or that your love was the purest thing in the world or that life has been unfair, you'll get over it.
Love, pain and life always endure but there's always something more to experience. Something more to explore with the renewed enthusiasm and with that experience you have gained from your hurts and your past.


Complicated or simple? Eccentric or just curious? Steady or uncertain? Love or hate? I want to figure you out. Really, how difficult can it be?

Yes. I like the idea of endless possibilities. When something turns reality, something else becomes a possibility.

What’s the curiousity about the world? About things unseen and unknown? Does it come from knowing too much or thinking too much? From insatiable thirst for newer horizons? When I explore places, do I learn more about myself? And what do I want to learn about myself that I don’t already know? Guess, I need to travel.

Conversations

He: I'm drunk but may I fall in love with you?
She: Only if you are going to remember being in love with me when you are sober!

'Incident' by Norman MacCaig

I look across the table and think
(fiery with love)
Ask me, go on, ask me
to do something impossible,
something freakishly useless,
something unimaginable and inimitable

Like making a finger break into blossom
or walking for half an hour in twenty minutes
or remembering tomorrow.

I will you to ask it.
But all you say is
Will you give me a cigarette?
And I smile and,
returning to the marvelous world
of possibility
I give you one
with a hand that trembles
with a human trembling.

kashmir

I have always dreamt of you. And the dream was always so real that I almost believed I had extended my hand and held you in between my fingers, that I had sunk my feet in you and that I filled my eyes with your image. You who look like you have just been awakened by a morning sprinkle of virgin white, you soft crisp milky flakes. And with the sun deflecting from you and piercing the gusts of cold, I have no doubt why they call you paradise on earth.

shir chai
kawah
dum-aloo
chaman
Sheermal & Bakherkhani
shikharas
Doongas
Amira Kadal
Jhelum
Old brick buildings
pagoda-like mosques and shrines
Jama Masjid
Hazratbal
Khanqah of Shah Hamadan
rows of poplar trees
fir-covered hillsides
snow-covered mountains
Sindh valley
rice fields,
pine forests.
Here I come!

Current status

state of mind...energitic, positive and rearing to go
my body...is happy that i am giving it some respect. i just checked my weight and was horrified!
hooked to...Fifa '08
now reading...Khalid Hosseini's The Kite Runner
learning...to exercise self control
yearning to learn...the guitar (i'm still dying to lay my hands on one)
missing...going to totos
on a humming spree…with Rehab by Amy Winehouse
hate humming...O Jane Jaan by Aatif from Race (because I keep repeating the same lines)
latest favourite...movie- Lives Of the Others
high on...swimming
hung over...my conversation with Kajol yesterday
Hung over again...with the 10 movie DVDS i bought. Yay! And it includes Makhmalbaf's The Cyclist which I have been dying to watch. Yay!
I'm off...booze
favourite food right now...Veggie delite sub
enjoying drinking...orange juice & coffee sans sugar
accessory for the week...my cell phone for its new song list
thinking...how good I can make my life.
dreaming of...my trip to europe
waiting...for April 11 when I take off for the Himalayas
drooling...over the yummy chat I'm going to eat in Solapur at my favourite chatwala
excited about...my kashmir trip
waiting to meet...my cousins in Solapur (going to see them tomorow!)
tired of...the loud music our neighbouring chawl has been playing.
proud of...myself for maintaining strict health discipline for the past 5 days.
enlightenment quotient..."Ask and you shall recieve." "Knock and the door shall be opened."

The ride

I was taking in the cool waves flowing from the desert cooler on a hot summer afternoon. Aaji had retired into her room. Everyone else was taking a short nap. My mind though was wandering. There was a grey bicycle parked under the tin roof of the garage. I had been dying to ride it and I knew this was my chance. I hurried out, grabbing the key from the keyholder on the wall. I softly closed the door behind me. Even as I unlocked the cycle, there was one thought going on in my head. How will I shut this noisy main gate without making a sound? I had to try. I had to ride. I had just learned how to ride a bicycle and there was a whole new world waiting to be explored in this tiny town.
Every summer I was just cacooned in this place. I knew there was more to this town apart from Vidyanagar. Apart from the garden outside the house, the big ground located in the centre of the colony, maushai's house which was two blocks away, the sugarcane shop where we often went to cool ourselves in the killing heat and Baloo's shop. I never ever asked who Baloo really was? Or why his shop had no other name? But I had to ride beyond his shop now. And there were a lot more things I would love to find out, I thought. I somehow managed to keep the sound of the creeking gate down. Locked it behind me and before anyone could spot me sneeking out I rode out. The breeze was hot and I wished I hadn't got out in such heat. Nani always stopped us from playing outdoors in the afternoon. I used find it very annoying. If I didn't mind the heat, why did she? But now I wished I had listened to her. But soon the thought disappered from my head. I was riding the bike. The very same bike I had first learnt cycling on.
With all those thoughts in my head, I didn't even realise I was crossing Baloo's shop. I had ventured out of the familiar area now. I was free. The feeling was so good that I urged myself to paddle faster. Soon I approached the main road. I could see big vehicles driving down the road which was exactly at a right angle with the small road I was riding on. I was slightly apprehensive about whether I would be able to handle the traffic and the big highway. But somehow there was no fear. I was free after all- an explorer. Riding, feeling the breeze on my face. I took the highway and continued riding with zest. The sun was going down now and the breeze was stronger and cooler. I was smiling and going on and on. I don't remember how long I was riding, when suddenly it struck me that I had come too far. How will I get back home? I braked immediately. I took a right turn thinking that if I had taken a right turn earlier, taking another right could become a full circle and I could reach where I had started. But as I began riding, I became more and more scared as the place felt completly alien to me. Almost like a new town. And before I knew I had tears in my eyes. For the first time I had felt the fear of being lost. Something that was absent when I started my exploration. I had forgotten that explorers too need go back home at some point. The realisation has stayed with me. But that was exactly the point where I realised I knew the name of Nani's colony and I could easily ask around and find my way back. But my sense of direction was good and my instincts were taking me in the right direction. I realised that an explorer apart from a love from adventure, also needs to be careful and rely on his instincts. Before I could think further I was back in familiar territory. I was relieved to be back home. I thanked god a hundred times for being there with me when I needed him. I softly parked the bike in its place and entered the house.
But everything is transitory they say. I had been so glad when Nani had gifted me that very bicycle once I went in my seventh grade. Since the day I had set my eyes on it, I had this strange feeling that it belonged to me. It was the first bike I sat on and the one that taught me how it feels to be a rider. When I grew up a bit we had gone around the city promoting cycling too! But there was someone out there who needed it more than me- so much so that they could steal it from me. Last I had seen it leaning against the pillar in the parking of my building. A little rusted, a little less grey but still the same bike I first sat on.

Times

You wrap your hands around the steering wheel. Those thick short fingers with those bulging veins running down your sturdy hands. They take me to the black and white time. Your hands often shivered. As the light creeped in from the tall glass windows of your room, you picked up that audio cassette and shivered it into the music system. It's your favourite Yanni. I didn't know him then. But I always thought I knew you. You were so gentle, so shy and so scared of hurting me. The moments were so full yet empty. They are heavier to me now as I travel back from that black and white time. Young and restless were we. Now you drive and your hands don't shiver. Something's changed. But I talk and I listen. You remember so much. There was so much you didn't see and so much I didn't see. I know circumstances can blind us. The air is tender again but nowhere close to the time when you showed me your tiny pet turtle. You placed him on your palm and asked me to touch it. Today you send me a messages. Then there was just the old-fashioned phone but you picked it up too late. Saxophone was romance and you gave Kenny G to me. All actions run smoothly through my head but it's the conversations that are muted. Through all the years there were letters, rides in the rain, there was touch, music and play. But just tiny thin threads of muted conversations. As I caress your hands with my eyes, you ask me if you can hold my hand. I allow. I guess I am just making up for the broken conversations.

Me

At 15,
God: Always was and always has been, never can be created or destroyed, all that ever was, always will be, always moving into form, through form and out of form.

At 25,
Energy: Always was and always has been, never can be created or destroyed, all that ever was, always will be, always moving into form, through form and out of form.

I am an energy field just like this universe.

Lives of the Others

How much can a nation's political scenario affect anyone's personal life? if you think it hardly does, you need to catch this one.

and all one requires is one good man to be able to fight an interfering and almost dictatorial establishment. how much can creativity be curbed? How much can a painter or a writer or anyone else be stopped from making a political statement or doing his or her own thing? How much can an individual be stopped from voicing his opinion? If we don't stand up for what we believe in, on a public platform, our government can even monitor us in your own house! It's scary, but it drives you to think how important it is to do what you believe in. Who is the government to decide what you are supposed to believe in, stand for or talk about?

Most touching thing about Lives of the Others is the goodness of a disillusioned man. How far can you go to support what you think is right? Think. Thats what the film makes you do.

"It's for me."- is the last sentence. It deserves an applause.

One of the best films of our times, it is as relevant in our times as it was in the 1980s East Germany.

enigma

There is something about mystery. The knowledge that there is something out there undiscovered and unexplored, can lead you to unexpected places. The beauty of somethings is best when unexplained and unknown. Enigma is sensuous.

Each time she went to the station to bid him goodbye, she thought it could be the last time for a long long time to come. It could very well be the last time. But she hoped, against all odds that they would meet again, and that she would never have to say goodbye at the Railway station. She cried each time she saw him waving out to her from the window. This time too, there were tears in her eyes. She sent him a message but he didn't reply. Did he feel the way she did? Everything ended. And her worst fears came true. She knew, this time was the strongest she felt. She would never have to see him off again, because he would never come to meet her again. In that moment of pain she thought- he never did feel for me the way I did. And wiped a tear flowing down her cheek. There is no love anymore.

Am I two?

Do I know something more than I consciously know? Is there a doppelganger of sorts, from whose mistakes I learn? Are my decisions mine or are they formulated by someone else—a possible destiny or higher power? There is more than what meets the eye. Am I two?

The Double Life of Veronica or La double vie de Véronique is intriguing. It’s supernatural and mysterious. Music and cinematography, in fact, are the two strongest characters of the film apart from the two Veronicas.

It’s strange.

Your words caress the threads of my imagination in a way that almost everything that has touched it before seems to have dissolved into that one caress.
And it’s so overwhelming that you make me breathless.

Smooth as my breath.

Winter's meeting summer

Winter’s meeting summer now.
Cold winds cross the blazing sun.
An impending storm or an approaching calm?
You come like the coming of an unknown season.
Is this what they call fantasy?
Or is this the real love I’ve been waiting for?