Arrangement

I place a piece of banana
Beside a drop of honey
Repeat the lines a hundred times.
With every count I wonder
Is this really me?

I pose for pictures
In the evening light
Trying to smile my true smile
I try red,
pink, brown and white
In the end I wonder
If all this is even right.

I word my qualifications,
My likes and my dislikes
As if hunting for a job,
And hiring at the same time.
Stating my good points
Leaving the bad ones out,
I attempt to sell myself,
Sell out to the business of life.

Why would I want to be with someone
Who’d want me not for me
But for what I reveal of myself
And what I promise to compromise?
But I go on
because everyone else is!
And you’ve got to fall in line.
You’ve got to be happy
With the norms of an ideal life.
Desperate, with every passing month—
As if you marry or you die!

Don’t wear your glasses
Click one in a salwar,
Smile and be decent,
Don’t tell you drink
And don’t reveal all.
Oh, you’re short, look for a 5.5 footer ,
Oh, you are old, try for someone older.
Oh, you are dark, forget the fair guy,
Oh, and you’re a fool
Fooling yourself.

But I’m running late
I need to meet the next candidate
At a coffee shop or for dinner.
And seek a connection born out of the mind
But wonder if he’s going beyond
the clothes, the salary,
And adjusting with family.
Then I meet the next one.
And question myself,
“Why am I even here?”
Then I meet another
Who has no idea what he’s looking for.
Then another who asks,
“What are your hobbies?”

And then I run, run fast
And hide away this feeling
Of utter despair
at being forced to find love
Over an arrangement—
An arrangement of convenience.